I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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