Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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