textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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