I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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