Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
