you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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