Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
