Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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