On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
