I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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