my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
