Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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