Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
