oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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