we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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