Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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