i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This is classic penis vs brain.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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