I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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