did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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