How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
