Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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