i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
