I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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