She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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