You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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