Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
