You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
