If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
