I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
