I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
