Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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