well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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