at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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