I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
