whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
