I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
