Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
