You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
