Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
