Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
