i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
