so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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