How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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