ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
