I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
