I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
