I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
