Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Drunk is a universal language darling
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
