The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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