3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
