I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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