He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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