Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
